Many pregnancy sites are creating lists of foods you should avoid this thanksgiving such as undercooked turkey, leftovers that have been sitting at room temperature and avoiding caffeine.
Why thank you. I would never have thought to eat a fully cooked turkey and you can snack on a bowl full of dicks if you think Iâ€™m not eating the leftovers sitting on the counter or having coffee while everyone around me is getting smashed.
So I thought I would come up with a truly helpful list of tips to help a pregnant woman through this festive season.
This is the time for you to put the hammer down, Lady. Make that dinner count.
Nothing is worse than being stuffed with heartburn so prepare for the heavy lifting of dinner (see above).
I donâ€™t care where you live, houses cooking dinner get hot and you are probably running around like a Brazilian steel worker. So be prepared to strip down to accommodate the heat and the belly gravy spills (Bitch, please. Iâ€™ve been there.)
You donâ€™t want to have to pee after Uncle Mikeâ€™s been in there.
Chances are, you are going to be the designated driver for the evening so keep an ear open for the little drunken tidbits that will drop. Ask who was the favourite of all the siblings. Or why Aunt Mary and Aunt Betty didnâ€™t talk. The pandoraâ€™s box of family secrets is about to unfold.
That way you can still have pie if all the dishes are dirty.
Help with the clean up for a couple of minutes then hold the edge of the counter and say, â€śWhew, I feel lightheaded all of a sudden.â€ť Then go sit down.
So if you want to step outside you donâ€™t have to bend down to put on your shoes.
Sit somewhere close to the exit so you donâ€™t haveÂ to navigate through a bunch of stuff that you could trip over in front of the entire family. Donâ€™t become a family story, dammit.
When you leave, make your husband or partner walk down the stairs in front of you so if you wipe out in your stuffed piĂ±ata state, theyâ€™ll cushion your fall.
See, isnâ€™t that more helpful than non-alcoholic ginger ale recipes?! I think yes!
Happy Thanksgiving my, habanero hot hookers. I am truly thankful for all of you.