Good morning. Welcome. Weâre so glad youâre interviewing for the Role of Mom within ourÂ organization, H.O.M.E. As you probably have seen in the job profile, it doesnât pay anything inÂ the way of dollars, but there are other, more obscure benefits that we will go over when weÂ review the hours and responsibilities.
If you havenât already completed your certification in the following, it is the expectation ofÂ H.O.M.E that you do so within eighteen months of employment: Dietetics, Real Estate,Â Psychology with a focus on Terrorist Negotiation, and Economics. We also expect all ourÂ âMomsâ to be licensed in emergency management systems, neonatal resuscitation, and stuntÂ driving.
âMomâ is an essential role in our organization, so the interview will be fairly stringent, as youÂ would be responsible for the entire crew of H.O.M.E.âs physical, emotional, spiritual, andÂ punctual needs. We need to make sure you are fit and up for the task. Donât worry, though.Â Youâll be fine. Just be yourself, but way, way better.Â Letâs begin.
It says in your rĂ©sumĂ© that fitness is important to you, and that you spend a lot of timeÂ keeping yourself in shape. How would you feel about transitioning that shape toÂ something more like Mrs. Potts from âBeauty and the Beast?â To be clear, weâre talkingÂ while the enchantment is still in place and sheâs a teapot. Are you good with being a teapot?
How important is pooping alone to you? Would you say you have any timid bowelÂ issues? Here at H.O.M.E youâre going to have to get in and out quickly, and there WILLÂ be tiny zombie fingers under the bathroom door and a chorus of whispers from justÂ beyond that sounds something like, âmommmmmommmmmommm.â
If you were to describe your biggest flaw, would it be guilt or shame?
How fast are you at changing a childâs diaper and entire outfit in a tiny public bathroomÂ stall without letting any parts of you or the child touch the floor, toilet, walls, or tamponÂ trash can? There will be a timed test in which you wear sensors that buzz like in theÂ game, âOperation.â
Are you able to exercise self-control in the face of great temptation and convenience? The test for this will be you alone in a kitchen with a childâs plate containing the last two unfinished, partially saturated with applesauce, dinosaur-shaped chicken nuggets. Will you be able to properly dispose of them, with dignity, or will you scarf them down like a giant garbage rat?
How are you under (perineal) pressure? Have you ever passed a kidney stone? WouldÂ you say you handled it with grace and appropriate language? What if we stacked all theÂ kidney stones into one of those rock pile sculptures you see along the beach and youÂ had to pass that whole thing through your tender lady bits all at once? Still workplaceÂ appropriate language?
Are you a team player? If, say, you just experienced the worst pain and intense bleedingÂ of your life then stayed up all night nursing a baby with your sore nipples, how wouldÂ you handle it if another member of H.O.M.E lost a shoe? Would you consider it a properÂ emergency and get up to help them right away? One of the roles under âMom,â is theÂ âFinder of Things,â so you would actually be the only one who could find that shoe. ThisÂ also goes for finding the box of pasta in the cupboard, and the remote control justÂ barely hidden under the corner of the couch. There will be a timed âfinding thingsâ test.
No one remembers anything you tell them, ever, about the clock, the calendar, or anyÂ plans, but they remember every mean thing you ever said about your great aunt andÂ they WILL bring it up at family gatherings. How do you stay organized?
One of the most crucial parts of your job will be getting people to do things they donâtÂ want to do, all day, every day. Do you have experience in sales? Weâll give you a seriesÂ of mundane tasks and you give us your spin to make them seem like lightening magicÂ joy fun. Letâs start with âItâs time to brush your teeth, Sophia.â And, go.
Lastly, and this is of critical importance, pulp or no pulp in orange juice? Certain team members have very loud opinions on the texture of juice, and if you get it wrong, you may be required to strain it out with your teeth. Are you committed enough to your H.O.M.E. team members to baby bird them some juice if you get the pulp thing wrong, Karen?
We discussed theÂ responsibilities and requirements of Mom. The hours are pretty flexible, as long as youâre available from 5:30am through the next 5:30am, everyÂ Sunday through Saturday.
There are so many. So, so many. We could list them alphabetically, or by importance, or chronologically, gosh, there are just SO many perks to being a Mom, itâs hard to know where to start. Like, ummm, tiny socks. Dang, SO cute. And, uh, hugs! Hugs from team members really light up your day. Sometimes the hugs even come WITHOUT a trail of snot on your shirt. Thatâs pretty nice.Â What else? When one of them says, âI love you,â it gets you right in the heart bone, and when one of them says, âthank youâ it makes it all worth it. It really does. Thatâs more of an executive level benefit, though. Youâll probably be with theÂ organization for upward of 25 years to hear that from a team member, but wonât it beÂ special when you do?
Anyway. WeÂ appreciate you taking the time with us today!Â Weâll get back to you shortly.