Every now and then in parenting you just need someone to relate to you; from the need for sleep to the endless clean ups. Just in case you canât get the real thing today, here are some ridiculously funny parenting quotes that sum up life as a parent. Weâve pulled together the best of the best in hopes of giving you a laugh.Â
- 90% of parenting is just thinking about when you can lie down again
- âThe quickest way for a parent to get a childâs attention is to sit down and look comfortableâ -Lane Ollinghouse
- âHaving children is like living in a frat house- nobody sleeps, everythingâs broken, and thereâs a lot of throwing up.â -Ray Romano
- âIf evolution works, how come motherâs only have two hands?â -Milton Berle
- âHaving one child makes you a parent. Having two kids makes you a referee.â -David Frost
- Parenthood is the scariest hood you will ever go through
- Itâs like kids can just smell when you start relaxing.
- Both of us canât look good at the same timeâŚ itâs me or the house.
- âMe on Instagram: Made cupcakes w the kids, love them so much. Me for real: YOUâRE GETTING EGGSHELLS IN THE BATTER JESUS CHRIST LET ME DO ITâ -Vampire Valerie
- You know your life has changed when Â going to the grocery store by yourself is a vacation
- Tweens are like a box of chocolates. You never know which personality you are going to get.
- 75% of every parents daily calories probably come just from licking knives
Chapter 1 of Parenting
- âSo I stepped away for like two secondsâŚâ the beginning of a parenting horror story
- âIâve been building my sonâs trust for two yrs with high-fives. Today Iâm going to hit him with a âtoo slow.â Welcome to the real world, son.â -Trevor Williams
- One day I will be thankful that my child is strong willed, but that will not be today.
- The only thing kids know how to wear out faster than shoes are their parents.
- âNurse: handing me a newborn You got this? Me: Sometimes I have to dig through the trash to re-read the instructions for mac ânâ cheeseâ â @mommy_cusses
- âUsually the triumph of my day is, you know, everybody making it to the potty.â -Julia Roberts
The One Hit Wonder of funny parenting quotes
- âUgh itâs so hot! gets hit by two drops of pool water SPLASH ME AGAIN AND IâLL DONATE ALL YOUR TOYS.â -Salty Mermaid
- âWent to Disneyland because my daughterâs obsessed with Mickey Mouse. She was so excited when I got home and told her.â -Ryan Reynolds
- Me: youâre going to bed in 5 minutes. Toddler: No. Twenty minutes! Me: Ok. puts him to bed in 2 minutes because he has no concept of time
- Before kids: Why are they called âthrow pillowsâ? After kids: Oh. â @yenniwhite
- My kids were all having fun and getting along, and that was the greatest 2 1/2 minutes of the entire summer.
Social Media Parenting Quotes
- âWife [on Facebook] Spent the day with the kids. We had so much fun! Wife [to me] Do you know what those little shits did to me today?â
- We would all love to be Pinterest Moms, but itâs okay if you turn out to be more of an Amazon Prime Mom
- Cherish the day you buy your minivan because that will be the last day it is ever clean.
- Teach your kids to spend more time annoying each other so they have less time to spend annoying you.
- I donât want to sleep like a baby, I want to sleep like my husband.
- They say it takes a village. Where can I get directions to this village?
- Parenting tip: Wine
- If you donât know where your kids are in the house, turn off the WiFi and watch them slowly appear
- Do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,427 times a day.
- The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is because they have a common enemy
- âBuying your kid a goldfish is a great way to teach them about responsibility for 24-36 hoursâ -Conan OâBrien
Parenting Quotes about Kids âMagical Change of Behaviorâ
- The sole purpose of a childâs middle name is so he can tell when heâs really in trouble.
- Parenting is a lot like the bar scene: everyone is yelling, everything is sticky, itâs the same music over and over again, and occasionally pukes.
- A three-year-old is a walking talking middle finger
- Before I became a parent, I didnât know I could ruin someoneâs day by asking them to put pants on
Be nice to your kids. They choose your nursing home.
- âMother Nature is providential. She gives us twelve years to develop a love a love for our children before turning them into teenagers.â -William Galvin
- The hardest part of parenting is being fake mad when they do something that is actually hilarious
- Hell hath no fury like a toddler whoâs sandwich was been cut into squares when they wanted triangles
Beware of the Angry Mom!
- Being a mom means developing âThe Lookâ
- I gave you life, you give me all the Reeseâs. Every mom, every Halloween.
- I love cleaning up messes I didnât make. So I became a Mom.
- âIt just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didnât finishâ -Carrie Underwood
- When I tell my kids Iâll do something in a minute, what I am really saying is, âPlease forget.â
- At bedtime all children become dehydrated philosophers who need a hug
- âI feel very blessed to have two wonderful, healthy children who keep me completely grounded, sane and throw up on my shoes just before I go to an awards show just so I know to keep it real.â -Reese Witherspoon
- The thing about parenting rules is there arenât any. Thatâs what makes it so difficult.
- âThe biggest thing I remember is that there was just no transition. You hit the ground diapering.â -Paul Reiser
Hey, a parent can dream, canât they?
- âWhy donât kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?â â Alyson Hannigan
- Being a parent is like folding a fitted sheetâŚ no one really knows how.
- âThe best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.â -Dorothy Parker
- Four-year-old: Tell me a scary story!Â Me: One time little people popped out of your mom, and they never stopped asking questions. Four-year-old: Why?
I think we could really come up with a list of 1000 funny parenting quotes, but who has time for that, we have kids who need us to do a milltion tasks.
Do you have a great parenting quote? Let us know in the comments and we will share
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